Friday 12 May 2023

Make it to Me

 


A friend once said that life is a stress test. It resonated because he perfectly put the words to how I felt then and how I feel lately. There is always so much going on I often wonder if this is how life should be.

One thing that sticks out the most is how much this affects who I am – my personality, my priorities, my relationships, and my dreams. I look back at who I was years ago, and while I am grateful for some degree of growth, I cannot help but think about all I have lost to be who I am now. 

I think, throughout our lives, we will get to be so many different people in one person. Some tiny parts of your ‘prototype’ can remain as you move forward, while other parts can get lost, and you completely forget you once lived that life.

Through these versions, I have learned to be aware; I ask questions. I mainly ask God, I ask (spelled as judge) myself, and sometimes I have asked those I believed will be honest. At every point, whether I received an answer or not, I am convinced I am not yet who I am.

I am not one to coast therefore, the mental bustle to figure things out can get exhausting. I want to know if there are things I need to do or not. I want to be sure I am not wasting time by making mistakes I cannot recover from. There is also the fear that regardless of my efforts, I may regrettably not make it to who I should be. I think the stress we deal with daily has two purposes – I can either navigate it to help me find my way to myself or to allow the troubles to drift me further away from me (who I should be)

I get reminded that I cannot truly control this journey; I can trust God because He knows what He is doing. Yet, I am convinced I have a part to play- it is my responsibility to make it to me. I have learned that we need to do that every single day – there is no destination of completeness (only in death).

I have experienced that it is easy to get overwhelmed, so we begin to settle for activities that offer temporary relief from what we consider troubles. But these are distractions. These supposed stressful experiences are one of the tools that carve us into the mold we can be. We cannot keep getting in the way and expect things will get or feel better. I used to be so stressed out about why everything requires so much effort until I heard someone say, ‘Effort is the path to mastery’. You cannot know how to handle what you don’t deal with – you only become good at what you do. 

Daily, (even when I have a meltdown) I practice how to have a better outlook on life and to consistently work with the mindset that no matter what, I am being led on a positive path to constantly unfolding a better version of myself. Who we become is not just for personal gain; our lights will inevitably shine for others to partake of. I would very much like to be involved in that process intentionally and maybe even allow myself to look back sometimes and enjoy it. I want to be strong yet soft; I no longer want to be hard and stuck on how difficult things can be.

I pray for direction and the courage to not waste opportunities, and to not try to escape from what I ought to be doing to get me to the version I need to be per time.

Thursday 27 April 2023

Back to Writing and I am Grateful

 


I feel like I betrayed myself for not writing as long as I did. I have so many half-written pieces on my devices, but after months of procrastinating, I am back AGAIN!

I have no plans to be deep- I just want to write and put my thoughts on paper – to feel like I am pulling and loosening the ball of thread inside me. I will write because I enjoy it; I can only get better at writing if I keep writing; therapy reiterated it; and maybe there will be lessons that will be someone’s cup of tea.

So, I resume here on a happy note: focusing on things I am grateful for. About a month ago, I was contemplating if I am genuinely appreciative. If someone did something for me, I would be truly grateful (and mostly shocked that something was given to or done for me). However, I hardly stop to intentionally express gratitude for the seemingly little things that may or may not include others.

Toast-Bread: One early afternoon, I attempted to make myself brunch and decided to toast my bread. While I waited for what I had on the burner to be ready, I dipped a piece of my toast bread in a leftover veggie stir fry before taking a bite, and no jokes, the thought that crossed my mind was “the person who discovered that we could toast bread deserves to be in heaven!” – I mean it is only fair that they are. Yes, I am truly grateful for Toast Bread.

Dry clean floors: this is why bleach is one of my favorite things.

Freshly done pedicure: this is a love language on its own.

Dark chocolate bar: I almost can’t enjoy any other type of chocolate.

Amala when I am hungry and really craving it. The stew was cooked on coal so it has that wood aroma but is so tasty with countless pieces of soft meat. I am eating in amazement and joy, thinking “God what manner of enjoyment is this!”

When I sleep soundly without dreaming or waking up several times (if you have any form of sleep challenges like me, you will understand this)

Full Yoruba Owambe: when I am close to the host so that my table is flowing with milk and honey. The live band must have rehearsed with angels because what is this Heaven-approved praise music making my head swell?

Navy Blue – the color. Just know this color will play a part in my wedding.

Hitting a PR at the Gym: I am looking at this weight and wondering whose hulk Hogan uncle will lift it and then I actually complete the set without breaking a bone or convulsing. The Pride!!

Laughing with my sibling(s): On the night of my father’s funeral, I sat with my siblings and a few loved ones outside the hotel we lodged. We were eating and having a great conversation about everything, and smack in the middle of a laugh, I looked up and realized I was extremely grateful, I almost cried! And then I recognized that there had been other moments like that where life is being what it is; I may be having just a momentary laugh and I would suddenly see that God is good to me because I can still laugh genuinely. Amid pain- something CAN be funny!

Writing: when I start and finish something.

So, cheers to me writing more and may we always recognize things to be grateful for.

Friday 8 October 2021

The burden of knowing



What do you do with what you know? Things you read, see and hear willingly or otherwise, people you have met, secrets you are privy to, experiences you had to endure, dreams you have had; What do you do with them?

How do we receive? What guides perception through every encounter, the emotions that accompany them, and how do the pieces add up to be considered significant or not.

I often ask, “why?” I do not ask it aloud; it is an internal struggle that sometimes leaves me disillusioned or exhausted while other times I get answers to my queries.

To be honest, I do not know if I believe that everything happens for a reason- there are things I will never understand why I had to be a part of it, were they space fillers, or would I get clarity later. Still, I wonder the reasons for trying to give every event meaning.

We cannot grasp and retain the totality of every encounter; it might kill us to remember every minute detail yet, subconsciously we are a sum of all that goes through us.

I do think knowledge comes with the responsibility we may not always be ready for; I believe we carry experiences on behalf of others and our future selves. With what we know (that has made us who we are), we teach, clarify or confirm prior information – to other people and a later version of ourselves.

Sadly, this may elicit manipulation, perversion, greed, or abuse, yet that was never the intent- it is simply for a transfer of ‘power’ to the one who needs it. A gift available to all but none can take credit for it. The highest level of awareness in humans will still never possess absolute control.

Knowledge meets us but should not just stay with us- we may occasionally miss what is significant due to tiredness, distractions, or just life happening, we need to build the courage that helps us consistently filter, develop, preserve and then pass it on.

So what do you do with all you know? You use it to grow. I sincerely hope we do not miss what truly matters and let life not keep us grounded in detachment and cynicism.  

Friday 24 September 2021

I do not have a headline

 


Everyone has something they are great at, yet there are subsets in a particular area where you are genius-level and other areas, not so much. For instance, you can be an all-around great dancer, win the world record in break dancing, and then your hips fail at salsa.

I used to think if you struggled with a thing then it was not for you. I mean, that does not make much sense now that I think about it but it was my reality and, I often preserved only if there was a reward (like not repeating a class) if I had to deal with it for just a short period, or when I thoroughly enjoyed the activity and could endure its difficulty.

Now I know almost everything can be learned (except mathematics because I still do not get why they almost used it to kill me in secondary school)

As a writer, I often struggle with coming up with headlines I consider super amazing or catchy. Sometimes I get into a creative zone and I am on fire, other times it’s a painful drag. There are 2, maybe 3 ways I habitually deal with this challenge – I ask someone else’s opinion, I think deeply about what I want to say or I just wing it and hope whoever reads it takes it.

Now, I accept that I can develop a system that induces ideas when I need them. It is possible to live permanently in a creative zone, and it is predominantly rooted in gratitude and confidence. It is honestly not as easy as I make it seem because we get overwhelmed with the vicissitudes of life however, success is achievable.

First, I am more grateful for my abilities – I do not take it for granted that I know how to do certain things well because I do not have a hand in said awesomeness. I simply exist with them, and it’s my responsibility to take care of and make these abilities better if I want. Second, shame shall no longer be a companion – I decide that whatever I produce doesn’t suck, and even if it does occasionally, that’s fine too. I am critical of my mistakes, but I will do it again.

Your zone may not be about creativity and maybe has nothing to do with your profession - people struggle with how to manage an illness, make healthier choices, love others or raise their kids - whatever it is you can learn it, and then you do better.

 And I’ll give you a headline next time, I promise! 😉

Wednesday 1 September 2021

A familiar face



Recently a friend asked me what I would consider my greatest regret and I said, “being afraid”. You see fear has been an acquaintance, who has traveled life’s journey with me, making itself available in varying degrees. Through childhood, exams, jobs, relationships, how I show up in the world, and sadly sometimes it’s there even in how I serve God.  

The thing about fear is that it grows, it takes up space the more you allow it, it will clog your mind and attack rational thoughts until you are left with a distorted reality. Though you recognize it yet you do nothing to keep it away. Fear also has messengers, so somethings will appear to validate it.

Writing has always been one of my favorite things to do- I had always possessed an ability to see and tell a story from experiences and imagination. Recently, I feared I had lost that ability. The trip is that I write for a living yet I managed to convince myself that I am a terrible writer. However, in the midst of the turmoil, I have been haunted with dreams and thoughts of writing. When I use the word ‘haunted’, I know what I am saying, it's everywhere I turn; random encounters and conversations, first few thoughts when I am trying to wake up, social media posts, from the lips of strangers and even my ‘Badassery’ calendar with its inspirational quotes.

When these things show up, I am often armed with a ready excuse – “I am swamped with work”, “I don’t know how to write interesting stuff anymore”, “no one will read it”, “my English is terrible”, “I am not a happy person and it shows in what I write”, “I am too distracted to arrange my thoughts”, and the list goes on and on.

When I run out of these excuses or gather the motivation, the ever-loyal procrastination shows up, so that next thing I know, it's 4 weeks after the day I promised to write. And like clockwork, in strolls self-judgment, condemning me for not keeping my word to myself. It is exhausting I promise you.

On the last day of August, a few memorable things happened to me and I recall thinking I need to do something about how I feel right now. Once again, fear waltzed to the surface as I began to wonder how I would maintain what I considered a good ‘mental space’. Fear does not only project possible doom, you can also be afraid of success or good things – wondering how long it will last and what to do to maintain its consistency. That evening I hung out with a few people and as the night ended, I was given an assignment – TO JUST WRITE! Something honest, even if just three lines, anything at all and throw it into the world.

So this is it, this is my attempt at a comeback. I am still afraid though, I wonder if this is too much or too little. However, thankfully you are reading it. I do not know the direction this will go but I will write, about anything that comes to heart, in whatever capacity and quality of work but I will do this and whatever else I need to….I will do it afraid!

Thursday 17 December 2020

G.M.A

 

“I cannot believe my children will not meet you!”

This is one thought I have almost every day. I feel bad for them, for the greatness they will miss out on.

I always imagined them in your house, learning from you because sadly I don’t know if I have fully understood how to transfer the awesomeness I experienced through you to them.

This life sha!! So for real for 2 years now, I haven’t called your phone to give you gist?!

It’s the weirdest thing not talking to you, we talked ALL the time. So much has happened and I just want to tell you everything.

Recently, I saw a movie on Yoruba African magic and I shook my head and walked away; it was like an unspoken rule that I only watched Nigerian movies with you. If I watched with other people, it wasn’t half as fun because you ran commentary- laughing, shouting, and judging. And if the character you were rooting for in the movie had any positive encounter, you would rejoice as if it was your good fortune.

My new low-budget movie watching partner is M.O and so far she is doing a good job of making me shake my head, LOL!

As I said before, I honestly don’t know what I have done without you these past years. I am sure my siblings feel the same way and I worry about them.

I remember a few hours after you transitioned, I was walking on the road and I saw myself put on armor; like a new journey just began and I was being adorned with the tools for war. Mehnnn!! I don’t know the words to use but just know that I have grown; your kids have all grown! There are so many things I understand better now, and I can’t help but hear your voice telling me things like not to get weary in prayer or to be patient and always “do my own for God!” See ehn, you were a child of God, I can’t even lie! Because if they leave me to roam, I will kill people. Somethings happen and I will be like “this is what Modupe was saying oh!”

I miss you oh! You are the absolute love of my life! I don’t think I will heal from this heartbreak; I am just learning to live with it. I think about you even when I am not thinking, you are like this permanent subconscious event that is stuck with me forever.

My life was altered when you passed; NOTHING could have prepared me for it. Sometimes I feel like maybe it didn’t happen. But it did!

One thing I am most grateful for is that, even in those moments when the wave of grief feels like it is going to stop my heart, I am comforted knowing you are at peace, in a better place away from all the negativity in this world. One day, M.O said, “It’s the person who has passed away that is enjoying!” And I completely agree, I love you enough to release you into enjoyment; that’s okay for me! So keep enjoying my darling!

Tuesday 18 June 2019

Mutation



The transformation can be sudden

Or it may be subtle that you don’t even realize what’s happening to you

You become a different person.

Sometimes it’s a coping mechanism; succour for the suffering

You may not have any control

Most times it’s absolutely necessary because life had to shift

And it could not have happened with your permission.

Not everyone will see it though;

Often you struggle to remain the same person

It can get exhausting.

Holding on to a version of you that died, a version you are familiar with.

How do you learn to grow when you are already an adult?

I used to say some people never recover from some experiences,

Now I fully understand what that means.

Pain alters you.

To be honest, I have no idea what I am doing but I am grateful……

Truly that’s all I possess….the ability to just look around me and be grateful.

And then maybe have the courage to hope that if I wake up tomorrow, it will be better.